I remember what happened last time I revealed my past to someone, and... It didn't end well.
Look, I want you to do me a favor...
Skip to the end. That's where I put this fragment of the code.
I... I want my privacy here. Please.
my parenTs are singing happy birThday.
iT's warm ouTside.
There's cake and candles.
i'm playing a racing game on the aTari video compuTer sysTem. i'm sTicking my Toungue ouT like those kids in the carToons whenever They're focused on someThing.
i enjoy imiTaTing scenes from movies and Tv shows. mom and dad are Talking To each oTher while i play.
my dad's showing me how To use the commodore 64. i have the manual in my hands, and he's poinTing ouT insTructions and lines of code.
i reach for a glass of waTer and spill iT. i siT frozen in place, waTching The glass dive To The floor and shaTTer. There's a deafening crash. glass shooTs in all direcTions, scaTTering across the room. waTer splashes up aT me, and a few dropleTs hiT The manual. i'm sTill frozen in place.
my dad puTs his hand on my shoulder.
"don'T worry, i'll geT iT cleaned up," he says.
my eyes follow him ouT of the room and sTop on The doorframe where he slips ouT of sighT.
There's a picTure of mom nexT To The doorframe.
iT makes me cry.
iT's really weird To look aT mom in a caskeT. iT's even weirder ThaT They puT makeup on her dead body. iT looks like she'll pop up aT any second and hug me and dad. i wish she would do ThaT. i wish she would siT up, laugh, and Tell us all ThaT iT's some sorT of prank.
she doesn'T do that.
insTead, i see Tears fall onTo her face from dad's cheeks.
he slams the caskeT shuT and screams aT The Top of his lungs.
my dad is singing happy birThday.
iT's cold ouTside.
There's a brownie wiTh a candle in iT.
The candle is shaped like the number "7."
dad fell asleep aT his desk again. his head is resTing on The keyboard and a half-empTy boTTle of jack daniels is nexT To him.
i Think The boTTle was full This morning...
i wanT To pracTice some programming, buT he's asleep.
so, insTead, i give him a hug and go To my room. iT's kind of laTe, anyway.
my dad's a biT upseT. he found a grey hair on his head, and his daTe lasT nighT didn't go very well.
we're playing clue, and so far i know ThaT The killer was miss whiTe. i remember my dad saying "shiro-san" for some reason.
he's been Talking a loT abouT his boss, miss junko, recently.
dad's crying again. he cried 3 Times Today already. i Think This mighT be why he hasn'T gone To work.
i Tell dad ThaT going To work mighT help him. he always Talks abouT how beauTiful his boss is, so maybe seeing her would make him happy.
his crying geTs a biT louder. he says she fired him.
i Tell him ThaT, since he doesn'T work for her anymore, he should ask her ouT on a daTe.
he Tells me, "ThaT's whaT goT me fired."
i Tear up a liTTle, Too. i Tell dad that i miss mom.
he says ThaT he knows.
This is The happiesT my dad has ever been.
he already goT a promoTion aT his new job, and Today is my birThday.
iT's a biT cold, buT sTill warmer Than lasT year.
my dad and i are going To the arcade. we're loaded wiTh quarTers, and we're gonna raise some hell.
i geT a couple high scores aT The arcade, buT They're on The games ThaT nobody plays ThaT much. my dad says ThaT, even if iT's a biT unfair To geT high scores by playing The games no-one plays, iT's sTill rewarding To geT one.
i finally finished making my game on The compuTer. iT's a shooTer game where you run Through a ciTy and gun down everyone you see. my dad always geTs a weird look on his face when i menTion iT. he Tells me he's noT sure abouT The concepT, buT The game iTself is nice. he Tells me to add some enemies that shooT back aT The player.
i goT in Trouble aT school Today.
i pinned down my classmaTe, allisTer, and forced him To kiss me.
he said iT wasn'T funny. he kepT crying. The memory sTill makes me laugh To This day, especially knowing whaT i did To him laTer.
dad Talked To me abouT sex Today.
he says ThaT whaT i did to allisTer was wrong.
i'm noT lisTening To him.
i'm jusT Thinking abouT how much fun iT was To waTch allisTer squirm and yell for help when i knew ThaT no-one would come for him.
besides, i already know about sex
and i TaughT allisTer all he needed To know abouT iT.
To This day, i don'T regreT iT.
allisTer Told me ThaT his parenTs are Thinking of moving away. he says he doesn'T wanT To leave.
i love how sTupid he is.
allisTer's family moved To cleveland Today, and i spenT The day crying.
dad didn'T comforT me like he usually does whenever i cry.
i copied "ciTy slasher" To a few floppy disks. i plan on selling Them To a few classmaTes so ThaT They can play it and Talk abouT my games.
i should have known none of Those assholes would buy iT. everyone here is afraid of me for some reason. i haTe Them all righT back. fuck every lasT one of Them.
They all call me a creep wiTh no life. i'll fucking kill them. i'll fucking kill them. i'll fucking kill them.
They sTill haTe me.
They sTill haTe me!
i'm making anoTher game called "serial Thriller."
i'm noT Telling dad abouT This one.
dad found ouT abouT serial Thriller.
The weird Thing is, he doesn'T seem To mind.
he jusT sighed and Told me ThaT This one won'T sell. i don'T mind, really, since i don'T plan on selling this one. i've never managed To sell a game in The past, and i've since sTopped Trying.
dad says he wanTs To see The gameplay.
i Tell him ThaT he really doesn'T wanT To see iT.
he insisTs.
i show him.
he sighs again once i've finished.
"charloTTe," he says, "counT yourself lucky ThaT you play as a woman in This game, and all the vicTims are men."
i ask him whaT he means.
"There are far Too many sTories where a woman is The vicTim of murder and..." his voice Trails off.
This is, by far, The sTrangesT conversaTion i've ever had with my dad.
iT's dark ouTside. The only whiTe There is To speak of is the flurry of snowflakes and The lighT of The moon, hiding iTself behind a sheeT of clouds.
and, also, Two white lights in front of me.
i Thank chrisT ThaT i'm in a car righT now.
and i hope ThaT The Truck misses.
everyThing is black.
i haTe hospiTal decor. iT's bleak. sTerile. minimalisT.
buT good lord, i have never been more happy To see iT.
The docTor says iT's been Two years. my dad Tried To kill himself because he ThoughT i wouldn'T make iT.
i laugh and say, "ThaT sounds like The sorT of Thing dad would do."
The docTor doesn'T find iT very funny.
my dad hasn'T looked This happy in years. i Tell him The joke ThaT i Told The docTor yesTerday. dad laughs his ass off, and iT Takes a while for him To calm down.
i suddenly realize That he's wearing glasses now. i ask him why, and he says he's geTTing old.
i also ask him how he Tried To kill himself.
he says he Tried To hang himself, buT The ceiling fan was Torn ouT of The ceiling as soon as iT Took his weighT. iT's a good Thing iT made so much noise, oTherwise The family from The nexT-door aparTmenT wouldn'T have called 911.
i call him a lardass and he calls me a shiTTy driver. neiTher insulT is True.
This mighT have been The happiesT day of my life.
i Think This is The firsT legiTimaTe daTe i've ever been on.
looking back, i don'T consider The incidenT with allisTer To be a daTe anymore.
anyway, i fucking haTe This guy.
he's 10 feeT Tall, has a clefT chin, and is made of so much muscle ThaT his head is a walnuT in comparison To his body.
he also keeps Talking abouT Things i don'T care abouT, and his name is so generic ThaT i've already forgotten it.
when i geT home, i ask dad why he seT me up wiTh someone so sTupid.
he shrugs and says, "i figured you need the pracTice. i don'T wanT a repeaT of the 'allisTer incidenT'"
i disagree. i do wanT a reapeaT of the 'allisTer incidenT.'
i don'T Tell him ThaT, of course.
why The hell does dad keep menTioning allisTer? iT jusT makes me wanT To do iT again To someone jusT as helpless as allisTer was.
so small.
so weak.
adorable.
There was a repeaT of The "allisTer incidenT."
his name was kai.
pale, scrawny, and half a fooT shorTer than i.
he was delicious, Too.
i'm definiTely going back for seconds.
i wanT To re-enacT serial Thriller.
iT was my magnum opus.
everyone in this Town fucking haTes me.
kai isn'T as complianT as allisTer was. allisTer would crumble and fold before me whenever i so much as walked up To him.
kai keeps Trying To avoid me. he keeps yelling aT me. he needs furTher discipline.
i saw iT i saw iT i saw iT i saw iT
There are cameras in The venTs and eyeballs on the walls. They're waTching you, They're onTo you, you know whaT happened.
kai's discipline was a success
a full monTh in capTiviTy.
i planned The whole operaTion for a year. i made sure To accounT for everyThing.
kai is so complianT.
so obedienT.
i knew i could break him.
kai is exacTly like allisTer now.
i couldn'T ask for any more or any less.
he's perfecT.
he's pure.
i aTe kai.
liTerally.
he grew noncomplianT afTer abouT a monTh.
he would never go back.
he TasTed awful.
liTerally and meTaphorically.
buT how else could i geT rid of The evidence?
dad finally caved in Today.
all The failed daTes.
all The losT jobs.
mom was The only one who could ever love him for who he was.
dad Took a shoTgun To The face.
can'T say i blame him.
of course The funeral was closed-caskeT.
iT's my faulT for being a horrible daughTer. i'm The one who drove him To blasT his head wide open.
i Think The world deserves To see The inside of his head.
i swing The caskeT open, and The onlookers scream aT The Top of Their lungs.
iT's so cold.
i have a glock sevenTeen.
and now i'm dead.